Psychology / Life Events / Advice
We encounter various people on a day to day basis, on a shallow level you won’t figure out the good and the bad until you get to know the person better.
Not everyone is willing to expose certain aspects of their lives, this is due to the fact that this person fears the judgement that will impose upon expression hence he/she will create a fictional character or a fictional self for others to see. This character is structured to fit in society, we would think of it as a trusted source of knowledge or help.
We don’t know the intentions that linger inside of this person’s mind and since we follow society’s rule of giving and taking hence we tend to help this individual similarly to when they helped us but the story doesn’t end here, it is the start.
This is when ego kicks in.
Unlike previous blogposts that I have talked about ego, this one is different. Rather than attacking those individuals directly, this blogpost serves as a third person perspective to see what do these individuals think and see.
By putting myself in the other person’s place and seeing myself in a third person perspective, I am able to see things differently to a point that I have imposed certain egoistic actions without my knowing in the past.
Keep in mind that this is not a blogpost talking about someone in particular but a reflection from daily journaling.
There is saying: ’nobody is born evil, but they might become one’ and I stand by it. Every single parent wants the best for their children and raise them on their best behavior, this reflects the family’s good manners and name to society through nice intentions and wording like you won’t think about a certain family in a bad way if they have treated you in a respectful manner
This is when ego interferes and make you act without thinking or consideration of the other person.
Let us say that you are friends with X and this friendship kicked off to a point that you stood next to X on his/her tough times and he/she stood next to you through your tough times.
Time passed by and X wants to start a business, he/she called you to be partners in this business since there is this trust that is between you guys.
Things went as expected and business is booming but one of your family members is in the hospital or that you are finishing your master thesis or an unexpected event needs your full attention, you are unable to help X since this event is occupying a good portion of your time.
You tried reasoning with X about this event and it is crucial to get it done, X didn’t like this and demanded that you focus on the business or else you are out. Without taking into consideration what is going on in your life and being an understanding person that he/she was before, X resolved to use his/her ego as a source of decision rather than the mind.
You have to take the decision of either backing off from that event that is crucial for you to help X or get out of the business that you have nurtured with all of your love and focus.
If you surrendered to X then X’s ego won over you and there is a high chance that this ego will outgrow on you again in the future to a point that X will make you do things you don’t want to do but will threaten to ditch you out of the business every single time, even on the smallest mistakes.
If you ditched X then you have followed your ego and betrayed a good friend which not only marks you as a traitor, as an egoistic individual since things could have been solved in a different way, you and X could have reached to a middle ground but didn’t. Not only X will look at you in a different way but will spread news about what you did from his/her perspective which will influence other common friends opinions about you.
In your perspective it might be the right decision to ditch but in X’s perspective you cared about yourself and not about him/her.
It is audacious for X to force you to do things you don’t want to do yet our good nature and intentions will make you do it regardless hence forming a toxic friendship based on dominance and ego when it should be based on trust and cooperation.
This dilemma is somewhat the backbone of toxic events which will negatively affect everything around you like relationships, businesses, and many more.
No matter what you tried to do, there is no middle ground that would benefit both parties: one party will lose and the other one will win.
When a party loses, they will come up with excuses to fill up the void of losing to make themselves feel better in life, it is nothing more than a coping mechanism to bare an event that happened in a way they didn’t anticipate at all. This party is trying to make themselves feel better by saying that life is unfair or the system is rigged rather than accepting the painful truth that has been imposed on them.
The winning party will take pride in what it has accomplished and it will try to dominate other parties to make their egoistic accomplishments bigger and louder, till one day a new party comes along and wins over them, taking all their accomplishments and achievements to the ground.
This phenomenon happens on a daily basis from work to your love life where one person has to dominate and the other should listen/follow/do without question nor hesitation.
When the losing party loses constantly, it is pretty obvious that the winning party will start to abuse the losing party to do things they don’t want to do in the first place.
Take for example being in a marriage with someone, this person proved you wrong on something and hold into it to a point that what you do, it is wrong.
Fast forward 2 years later and everything you do is wrong, that person drove the family towards debt and poverty along with the fact that you are forced to work in odd jobs to make this failed marriage float and not hurt the children but you cannot talk things around nor suggest better ideas because everything you do is wrong. In this position, you are not going to stay in the same place but find a solution: divorce and take the children away.
What would society label you? A traitor, a whore, a slut, Casanova, and other naming. The person who framed this image of you in society is your ex soul mate who cannot bare what you have done, because you have decided to ditch him/her for your own sake or in other terms: you won over the abusive relationship but in reality you are trying to survive in a better condition than you are currently in.
The solution in my perspective is to settle the issue from the beginning and admit that both parties are losers and winners. In other words: it is showing to each party where they have won and where they have lost so that each party sees that they indeed lost in places but not in everything (this applies for winning)
When we see things in black and white, it is easy to categorize things based on color but in reality, there are million of shades in between both parties can be grey but one can be dark shaded than the other (or vise versa) but both of them are grey, not black and not white.
This breaks down those egoistic actions because you are like everyone else, it wouldn’t make sense to overtake someone and other people overtaking you.
Each person should appreciate what he/she has at the current moment, there is no shame to aim for higher positions or better offers but not on the expense of others, either give that person the recognition they deserve or don’t benefit from anyone in the first place.
If things aren’t working with the other party even if you tried reasoning or middle grounding then you can leave and find something better to do than staying with someone that will lead you to nowhere.
This is a purposed solution that fits in certain conditions but not all, trying to find a solution for every problem originated from ego is like searching for a specific fish in the ocean when you can go to a pet store and buy that fish. Use your own wisdom and judgement to lead the way for a better and healthier paths in life.